Soul Lark's Weaving

Monday, May 30, 2005

The Blues Again?

I really have no idea why I'm feeling this way. I was seated in front of my computer, intending to continue where I stopped the last time. Then the great emptiness came down upon me. I thought of him. His smile, his laugh, his nearness, his voice … I just stopped writing after that. I couldn't continue. I suppose he is still my hero. Even if I didn't fashion Jorg after him, writing about the hero Jorg still evokes my hero. I know it sounds crazy because he has not been present for so long. I thought I had gotten over him. Apparently I haven't.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Sven 5 submitted

I have just sent the final copy of Sven 5 to Nifty. I am now working on the next story. I hope that the readers will like it.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Down in the Dumps

Why am I so stupid? Something happened at work and it infuriated me. It didn't affect me directly but to a colleague. I just couldn't believe that the top management was so unjust! I had wanted to walk out immediately and tender my resignation. The unions are of no use. They'd probably get their hands burned if they did. This time, the law was on the management's side. Management doesn't have to act with compassion. What really irritates me is that I can't resign. I walk out and I won't be able to get another job at my age. If I do, my manager (he's a good fellow) who stuck with me would also get into trouble. He had promised that I was still able to contribute when he reserved that position for me. I had to take quite a long break when I was ill. If I leave, it wouldn't be fair to him.

All this anger has not done anything to help in my writing. I know that I'd probably draw out all these emotions when I get the opportunity but I just couldn't write romance with how I feel. So, I'm going to do editing today and test the hypertext codes. So Sven 5 is sitll coming out.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sven 5 is on its way!

Sven-5 is almost done. I'm going to adapt parts of my original story into the parts after Sven-5. For those who are new. Please bear with me. I have a job during the day to pay my bills. Sometimes I can only write a few lines before I become very tired and need to go to bed. There are weekends when inspiration doesn't seem to locate me. Then, I'll spend several hours just mulling through the same few paragraphs.

I saw him again Friday. I heard him talking to some clients and thought I could see him after he had finished with them. I'm sure he knew I was there because I walked right past him ... I crossed his field of vision! Well, he left immediately after that. To see him leave without even saying hello was very painful. He knows that I've been avoiding him and perhaps he's hurt. Does he know the hurt he's caused me by being distant and indifferent to me? I can't help wondering. I can hear myself say to a friend in a similar predicament to drop the fellow. However, my heart doesn't seem to agree with my head.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Reader's Mail

I received mail from a single reader yesterday. I have replied. I remember a time when I was so discouraged by the lack of readers' responses. I was so tempted to give up. That was partly the reason for the problems in the original "Pellegrine". I had wanted to give up but was not happy to leave the story hanging, so I started to force the storyline to an end. This caused several inconsistencies. When I had finally decided to continue the story, the forced storyline was forced back and there were many problems with the story line. Hopefully, the rewrite now will be give a more consistent story.

I'd like to thank the reader who wrote. Even though I have decided to complete the story, a letter was welcome. Loneliness is now a mainstay of my life, as it was five years ago. I suppose the short time that I had a confidante was helpful to recharge my writing batteries. Yet, he, whom I thought was the soul-mate I had searched for, remains a hole in my heart. Present and yet distant, he evokes strong emotions in me.

I must continue to write. The next chapter is almost ready. I hope to post it before the weekend.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Sven 4 is out

I managed to get Sven 4 out in Nifty. You should be able to read the sotry by the time I post this.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

A Heartbreak and an Absence

It has been months since I've written here. Sigh!

As I think of all the months past, I think of the reasons that I haven't been writing. The main reason brings a deep sadness in my heart. I had met a most wonderful man. He's not a young stallion. He's older than me, in fact. However, he brought a flutter to my heart. Even now, as I think of him, my heart still beats a quicker tempo. He is an amazing man. He made me happy ... but no more. I guess it is because of this whole sad state of affairs that I am back writing this blog. It's my way of pouring out my heart. I had no one to confide in until him. I only had this blog until him.

He was one of my fellow trainees years back. I knew him as an acquaintance. Then I met him again a few years ago. This time, of all places, at the pool. He's thinner than me, definitely one who exercised regularly. I had gone there on advice to lose weight. My pride kept me off the running track for I could only manage five minutes of jogging before I had to stop and rest. I could swim for a longer period, albeit at a slow pace. I consoled myself that I was still exercising. He popped over to talk to me when I had finished my laps. I found myself very attracted to him. I guess his figure and the speedos he had on helped a lot! Slowly, a relationship blossomed. We met often and I found out that he liked me as well. (More of that later.) I found myself in need of complete rest some time back and had left the city. He kept in contact with me. My mother even commented that he sounded like a good friend. Then, last Christmas, he discovered I was writing to Nifty and he wasn't happy. I promised him not to write anymore and kept to my word. Then all crashed. No, we didn't officially part company. It's just that he's so distant now that he's become a stranger.

Oh my heart! I find it difficult to confide in him now. He holds many of my secrets — things that not even my family knows about. I could write about my feelings in many stories at the moment. I have sleepless nights now, wondering what went wrong. I can empathize with Ralf, whose life took a turn a while back. (I must ask him if he minds a link from this blog.) In fact, I left him a note to encourage him. I need to heed my own advice. I know it's going to take a while but this depression really does seem to creep in at the oddest times. Life is hard but it has to go on. In fact, I feel better writing about this. I am going to reveal more the next time.